Stop and Think

 

Stop and Think

My sister recently decided that she has spent too much time working in elementary schools when she found herself reminding her five-pound Yorkie to “Stop and Think!” Putting aside any argument that dogs are capable of reasoned thought, her actions got me to thinking: When we tell children to “Stop and Think,” what do we expect?

I have spent many years working with primary students in Kindergarten, first, and second grades, in schools, tutoring programs, and camp. Many times, after witnessing some youthful accident, action, or naughtiness, I have found myself wondering, “What are they thinking?”

Children do not arrive in the world as “blank slates.” Research has shown that even newborns have individual preferences and needs. As they grow and learn children observe, collate, and codify information to develop opinions and ideas. As children gain knowledge and experiences, they begin to reason and reflect. Each step is developmental, that is, in general, a two-year-old will not be able to reason as well as a five-year-old — as many a tantrum will attest.

In these early years, where are our children learning thinking skills? Most obviously from their parents. Parents are the prime models for children learning to think, and not only how to think, but what to think about. By their words, and more critically by their actions, parents — and other adults important to children, such as grandparents, teachers, and caregivers — teach children to “stop and think.”

Adam and Allison Grant, in their article, “Stop Trying to Raise Successful Kids,” note that 90 percent of today’s parents when asked to name their top priority for their children they answer, to “be caring.” Everyone wants to raise children who are kind. Yet, when their children are asked what their parents want for them, “81% say their parents value achievement over caring.” Why the disconnect? The Grants explain, “Kids learn what’s important not by listening to what we say, but by noticing what gets our attention… However much we praise kindness and caring, we’re not actually showing our kids that we value these traits.” In other words, we don’t practice what we preach.

When we ask kids to “stop and think,” what have we given them to think about? Are they thinking about the many times their parents have criticized others or the times they’ve offered words of encouragement? The times they’ve compared their living standards to their neighbors or the times they’ve helped others in need? Are they thinking about the pessimism and acrimony which permeate our culture, or the hope and kindness demonstrated by teachers, caregivers, grandparents, and friends? Are we giving our children kind and helpful thoughts so that when they are asked to “stop and think” they will have good thoughts to access and apply? 

Good thoughts lead to good actions. Adults must front-load good thoughts so that children can rely on them to make good decisions. Be kind and caring and your children will take note. Stop and think before you act so that your children will too.

(Quotations from Grant and Grant, The Atlantic, Sept. 2019)