Tobacco Road

Tobacco Road

One of my chores when teaching elementary school was to go through the “Homework Box” to check assignments. Some papers were smeared with jelly or crumpled and torn. Some really did look as if the dog had eaten them. But the most disturbing were those papers which reeked of cigarette smoke. 

Now my little sweeties were not lighting up at home. The smoke I smelled was second-hand. The papers, which had only been in the home for perhaps twelve hours, smelled as if they had been marinated in ashes. If the papers absorbed so much smoke, imagine what the lungs of the little ones did.

We know the dangers of smoking. Smoking causes cancer and emphysema Smoking causes premature aging. Smoking is dangerous for adults, teens, children, and fetuses. Smoking is generally bad news. But current studies show that there are even more dangers than previously detected. Smoking is bad for your brain.

Dr. Frances E. Jensen, in The Teenage Brain, writes about the effects tobacco has on the developing brain. Studies show that “cigarette smoking can cause a variety of cognitive and behavioral problems, including attention deficit disorder and memory loss, and it has been associated with lower IQ in teenagers.” Young brains are quicker to absorb and slower to release the poisons in cigarettes which include arsenic, cadmium, ammonia, and carbon monoxide — all deadly poisons. 

Adolescent smokers consistently score lower on IQ tests than nonsmokers. Early exposure increases the risk. Children, whose little brains are developing most rapidly, may be exposed in utero. Those with the most exposure may lag behind in math, reading, and other skills. 

Teens get addicted fast. They have a harder time “kicking the habit.” As Dr. Jensen notes, “Those who begin smoking in adolescence are also three times as likely to begin using alcohol” with a higher risk for other, more dangerous addictions. Addiction can begin at first exposure. Many start smoking by age twelve. Living with smokers puts children and their brains at risk for addiction. 

Teens are risk-takers. The reasoning/decision-making areas of their brain are still developing. Taking a drag from a friend’s cigarette or sneaking a pack out of Mom’s purse may seem daring and fun. There are many bad choices available to children today. What can parents do? 

Parents must limit the risks teens take. It is your job to ensure your children’s safety. If you smoke, quit. Limit your children’s exposure to second-hand smoke. Be good models for your children. Offer alternatives to risk-taking. Expose your children to good choices. Support their interests. Pay for the drum lessons or the soccer shoes. Take them camping or to concerts. Plan healthy family activities. Know what they are doing and why.

Help them learn to judge the choices they make. Taking a hit off a friend’s cigarette may make you seem cool now, but a lifetime of hacking is disgusting. Check out the stats on tobacco-chewing sports heroes — not their earned run averages, but their cancer rates. Read The Teenage Brain or other publications and know what you are talking about. And talk, and talk, and talk. Open communication with your teen is vital. Speak with authority and kindness. Respect your teen’s opinions. Ignore the rolling eyes. Focus on the listening brain.

The smoky papers I held in my hand were a warning of future troubles. Keep your children off “Tobacco Road.” Keep them, and their brains, on the road to good health. 

#RealBeauty

#RealBeauty

Alicia Keys, pianist, singer, actress, has started a new movement called #NoMakeup. Her face has “gone naked.” Alicia is advocating natural, unembellished beauty appearing in the spotlight unadorned by makeup. I am reminded of another unadorned beauty.

Eleanor was an unattractive child. Her mother called her “Granny” because she had an old face and demeanor. Orphaned before she was ten, Eleanor was sent to live with her grandmother. Grandmother dressed Eleanor in old-fashioned clothes. She made her wear a brace to improve her posture. Eleanor grew up believing that she was ugly and clumsy.

Shy and insecure, Eleanor was sent to boarding school in England where the headmistress, encouraged her to develop her gifts, to speak up in class, and to express her ideas. Eleanor learned to stand up for herself and for others. 

Later, Eleanor started a school in one of the poorest neighborhoods in New York where she taught children and their mothers to have confidence in their own abilities and to share their strengths with others. She grew so confident in her work that when she met the man she would marry she invited him to join her in working to solve the problems of the poor and disadvantaged. 

You have probably guessed that Eleanor’s last name was Roosevelt. Eleanor continued to work for the rights of women, the poor, minorities, and the disabled for the rest of her life. She stood up to her many critics while the wife of the President and after. She became the first American delegate to the United Nations, helped craft a Universal Declaration of Human Rights, and became known as the “First Lady of the World.”

The work Eleanor started continues. Still honored for her intelligence, compassion, and dedication to the cause of human welfare, she is an inspiration to the downtrodden and oppressed everywhere. Eleanor’s inner beauty shone so brightly that all who knew her bathed in its light.

As a teacher, I realized that the little folks gazing up at me from the carpet every day were not checking out my makeup or hairdo. They were checking out my soul. I soon realized that it was much harder to dress up my insides than my outsides. I needed to look for models outside of the fashion pages. 

My class began studying American heroes. We learned that Johnny Appleseed shared all that he had. Martin Luther King, Jr. worked to bring rights to everyone. Abraham Lincoln showed compassion for animals, those in bondage, and those in mourning. Helen Keller campaigned for equal opportunities for the disabled. Every hero we studied was a hero because each wanted to help others. 

My students especially loved Eleanor, who “always lent a hand to the hungry and the homeless, all across the land,” was happiest when “lend[ing] a helping hand,” to those most in need, because she had “a heart that had to give.”* We decided that we wanted hearts that wanted to give too. 

I hope that Alicia and all of the celebrities who are joining her #NoMakeup movement will now focus on #RealBeauty. Inner beauty, coming from a heart that has to give, shines brighter than any spotlight. 

*Lyrics from Jonathan Sprout’s “More American Heroes” CD.

Binge Parenting

Binge Parenting

Some years ago, I was ferrying a group of young teens from one activity to another. The subject of a recent party came up. 

“Yeah, Cam had a keg. I took a sip, but beer is nasty!”

“My brother says you have to develop a taste for it.”

“Maybe. I might try it next time. It would be fun to get drunk at least once to see what it’s like.”

My grip tightened on the steering wheel. 

Every day, approximately 5,000 young people between the ages of twelve and twenty begin experimenting with alcohol. Psychiatrist Aaron White, in the “National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism,” wrote, “If recreational drugs were tools, alcohol would be a sledgehammer.” In other words, alcohol hits teens’ brains hard.

In The Teenage Brain, Dr. Frances Jensen writes that teens initially have a high tolerance for alcohol. They don’t immediately feel impaired when drinking. This tolerance and peer pressure encourage them to keep drinking and to drink more often but “belies the devastating long-term consequences of alcohol on the adolescent brain.” Studies show that alcohol use damages “cognitive, behavioral and emotional functioning.” This damage to the brain can lead to attention deficit, depression, memory problems and the inability to set goals. 

Even moderate alcohol consumption can cause memory lapses and an inability to focus. Students may have trouble studying and performing on tests. Heavy or frequent drinkers may “exhibit poorer visual-spatial functioning” which affect “everything from doing mathematics to driving, [to] playing sports.” Teens who can’t focus are more likely to think that life is “boring” — and kids who are bored can get into a lot of trouble. Binge drinking may cause permanent brain damage or death. 

Why do teens start drinking? Adolescent brains are still forming so decision-making may be impaired — even before they take a single drink. Teens are more likely to take risks, to run with the crowd, and to seek thrills. According to Dr. Jensen, “One of the biggest contributing risk factors for adolescents who drink is a family history of alcohol abuse.” Teens are watching adults for cues about behavior. How do you use or abuse alcohol?

Do your children see you reaching for a drink after a stressful day? Do you need alcohol to unwind or to party? Is alcohol part of your daily routine? Do you tell funny stories of drinking parties in your younger days? Have you talked to your teen about the dangers of alcohol to the body and brain? Do you know your teen’s friends and their parents? Do you check to make sure that parents will be home for parties and that alcohol will not be served? Do you serve alcohol to teens?

That day in the car, as the “invisible” adult driver, I could have kept my mouth shut. But I didn’t. I answered the question about the fun of getting drunk just once with a great big “No.” The girls were eager to talk. We had a great discussion about responsible alcohol use. 

Parents must set clear rules, monitor activities, and communicate values to their children from birth through adolescence. Introduce your children to the risks of alcohol in friendly discussions early. Know what you are talking about. Model responsible behavior. Don’t practice “binge parenting.” Be there every day helping them to make good decisions for safe and responsible living. 

(All quotes from The Teenage Brain by Dr. Frances Jensen, MD)

How Were You Raised?

How were you raised?

Twice a year, I volunteer at a mission event. All the volunteers have a great time. We chat and laugh as we sort the donated items. One of my sorting-buddies takes on a very big job — organizing the thousands of household items that are donated. I love helping her because she is not only efficient and organized but she also has a big heart.

As we work, she keeps those who will be receiving the donated items foremost in her mind. She makes sure that everything is in good working condition and clean. Sometimes we find items which should have been trashed or which are filthy. I once wondered aloud why someone would donate such items. My friend replied, “It’s all in how you’ve been raised.” 

“It’s all in how you’ve been raised.” How were you raised? What happened then that makes you the person you are now? It’s true, the lessons we learn in childhood follow us all of our lives. We brush our teeth because our parents did. We treat our neighbors the way our parents did. We support causes our parents did and spend our money the way our parents did. Even if we rebelled and totally rejected all of our parents' values, the lessons they taught us — consciously or inadvertently — stick with us. 

A recent report revealed that even those of us who grow up in “happy” families are influenced by the mores of the larger society. Those who grew up in the “Ozzie and Harriett” 1950s might be less likely to recognize tacit racism. Those who identify with the hippies of the 1960s might be more likely to promote women’s rights. Children today are more likely to accept diversity in cultures and families. World values impact children’s lives.

How you were raised affects who you are today and how you behave. My sorting-buddy learned the golden rule from her parents: Treat others the way you want to be treated. Everyone is worthy of respect and dignity. She sees the donations to the mission event as gifts to those in need. They are not discards, they are gift-cards.

Many of us had great parents; many of us did not. Many of us were raised in good times; many of us were not. The circumstances of our youth shape us but we are never finished being raised. We can choose to treat others well. We can choose to respect the dignity of all people. We can discard hurtful attitudes and choose helpful ones.

My sorting-buddy and the other volunteers at the mission event come from many different backgrounds, but somewhere along the line, they learned to help others. They continue to “raise” themselves, and those they help, by doing good. Children raised well learn that people care about them. 

Pass these values along to your children. When you are raised well, others rise.

Six Week Test

Six Week Tests

When I was in school, our teachers gave us comprehensive tests every six weeks for evaluation and diagnosis. They checked to see what we had learned and what we needed to learn. The tests focused on math, science, language arts and social studies. Even the best students dreaded these tests. Six weeks is a long time.

I will never forget one novice teacher, who, using new pedological strategies, seated us in the order of our scoring on the test: highest scorer, first seat, first row; lowest scorer, last seat, last row. I will not tell you where I sat. 

In school, we were always being rated and sorted by test scores. We rated and sorted ourselves by these scores and others of our own making. Some of our ratings were not so good. Some of our sorting was awful. 

School is about learning. We learn academics and we learn about living. We learn that some are more successful than others. We learn that some are popular and some get left behind. We learn that ratings can sort us and that sorting can hurt us.

Some of us never stop rating ourselves and others based on the scores we earn in school, in business, in society, and in culture. We rate others by how much money they make, how much power they have, how many things they own. We rate ourselves by the same standards. Ratings and sorting can still hurt us.

What if, every six weeks, we changed the testing parameters? What if, instead of rating our knowledge, our salaries, or our status, we rate our happiness, our generosity, our compassion? What if we changed the scale for success?

Am I happier than I was six weeks ago? What can I do to be happier? What’s the best thing I’ve done in the last six weeks? What have I done to help others? What goals have I met, set, abandoned, or revised? What steps am I taking to make my life, my family’s life, my workplace, my community, my country, my world a better place? How did I react when I succeeded or didn’t succeed? How did my actions impact others?

We face tests for living every day. How we face these tests is more important than what score we get. Am I kind? Do I help or hurt? Do I keep going or give up? Am I trustworthy? Do I work for or against fairness, justice, and peace? Do I consider the feelings and situations of others before judging them? Do I rate and sort others on the same scale I would want them to rate and sort me? 

Just as our teachers did, we need to stop, at least every six weeks if not daily, to evaluate what we have learned and what we need to learn. We must learn not to seat others by the artificial scores of the world. We must get up, walk the length of the room and offer a helping hand. We learn better when we work together. 

Lo Siento

Lo Siento

In one of my very first Spanish classes in high school, we learned to say, “I’m sorry — Lo siento.” At the time, I thought that this was a very strange phrase to learn. Wouldn’t “Hello,” “Goodbye” or “Where are the bathrooms” be more useful? 

Now, we get around, that is, we follow our very mobile children around and they get around. We have visited many countries and knowing how to say “I’m sorry” has come in handy.

You’ve heard the term “Ugly Americans.” Americans have what is perceived as an arrogant attitude in many countries. We treasure our individual rights so much that we sometimes forget the collective rights of others. We can be loud. We can be pushy. We demand. We insist. We order. We assert our right to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” wherever we go. What we perceive as our “right” is sometimes perceived as our “rude” in other countries. 

Our daughter spent three years in Namibia, Africa working for the Peace Corps. In her second year, we went to visit her. We had a grand time. We met all of her wonderful Namibian friends. Everyone offered us their best — their homes, their food, their help. The village celebrated our visit with a great feast.

The next morning, our daughter crawled into the house where we were staying. She had been violently ill all night. We drove her through the desert to the doctor. The doctor ordered tests which must be done immediately.

In Namibia, the doctor sends the patient to a clinic where samples are taken and then the patient takes the samples to a laboratory where they are analyzed. My husband and I were frantic by this time. Our daughter was very ill and we were in a strange country where we didn’t speak the language. We drove from the doctor’s office to the clinic to the lab in near panic.

When we pulled up to the lab, we saw a large crowd sitting on the lawn outside. A sign on the door said, “Open 2:00.” I looked at my watch and saw that it was 2:00, opened the door and walked right in. We left the samples and walked out the door. That’s when it hit me. We had just walked past dozens of patients politely waiting for the clinic to open. I looked at the crowd but didn’t know the words for “I’m sorry.” I apologized in English and got back in the truck. I’ve never felt more like the “Ugly American.”

“I’m sorry” are two words we don’t use enough. We often inadvertently offend others. Even in the good old U.S.A., we can be “ugly.”  We butt in line. We ignore signs. We are rude to sales clerks. We are so caught up in our own agendas that we forget others’ needs. The patients on the lab’s lawn haunt me still. I see them whenever I want to assert my “rights.” In my mind, I have apologized to them hundreds of times. I  wish I had had the right words when I needed them.

Wherever you travel, learn a few words in the local language. “Hello! Goodbye. Please. Thank you. Where are the bathrooms? I’m sorry.” Like the villagers in Namibia, offer your best.  

School Supplies

School Supplies

Every year, students march into their classrooms armed and ready to learn.  That is, they and their parents have succumbed to the many bargains the variety stores have foisted upon them and outfitted themselves with new book bags, notebooks, pens, pencils, crayons, highlighters… the list goes on and on.

Teachers love seeing children march in all scrubbed and ready. Children's smiling faces inspire teachers to do their best to fulfill all of their many expectations. For the next ten months, they will educate, encourage, and exhort, supporting each child on their journey to knowledge and independence. But teachers never forgot their students’ first and most important teachers — their parents.  

Parents begin teaching their children many years before primary school begins. From the first moments of life, parents educate by word and example. Their students, the children they love and care for, soak up all that their parents teach them. 

You all know the old saying, “Little pitchers have big ears.” Kids have big eyes too. They watch and listen carefully and mimic what their parents do and say. That’s why parenting is such a big responsibility. Professional educators always stand second in line as conveyors of knowledge and wisdom.  

Teachers appreciate all the prep work parents have done for their students. They know that most parents mindfully teach their children academic and life skills as well as moral values. This is hard work and some parents worry that they may not be doing enough. 

Some school supplies don’t come from a store. I’d like to offer some suggestions to help prepare your child for school.  

Read to and with your child. It doesn’t matter what you read, do it with gusto. Make up funny voices for the characters. Discuss the story as you go along. What moral values does Goldilocks have (or lack?) What about those Three Bears? 

Read by yourself. Show that reading is enjoyable and necessary. Do the unthinkable — read the instructions. Be a frequent flyer at the library. Get books for yourself as well as your kids. Value books. Buy books. Share books. Talk about books with the whole family.  

Talk with your child. Studies show that some parents only talk to their children for about eight minutes a day and most of that is instruction or correction. Take time and have a real conversation. Don’t worry about the subject. The kids will fill in the details. 

           

Don’t ask, “What did you do in school today?” Ask, “What did you enjoy? What didn’t you like?” Share your ideas. Discuss events. Children’s insights about world events are surprising. Share feelings. Remember to be appropriate; youngster’s emotions bruise easily.  

Think with your child. Talk about the problems you need to solve every day. What time do I need to get up in order to be ready for school? How much food will our puppy eat in a month? What can we do to help Grandmom and Grandpop? How can we find out more about the new device we are planning to buy? What are the most important qualities a leader should have? What are our family’s values?   

Book bags wear out, pencils break and new shoes are outgrown. Lessons learned at a parent’s knee last a lifetime. Make those lessons count. Read, talk, and think with your children and know that you have prepared them well.