Stay Calm and Learn More

Stay Calm and Learn More

“I like to take my time, I mean, that when I want to do a thing, I like to take my time and do it right.” 

     These words begin one of my favorite songs of Fred Rogers. Mr. Rogers had a calm and relaxed style which quieted many a soul. When I was teaching, I often played this song to center my class for learning. It worked every time.

Children come to school from a wide-variety of homes. Some wake up to a hot breakfast ready on the table and parents who help them into their coats and walk them to the bus stop. Some are rousted out of bed by a rushed parent handing them a protein bar as they race out the door. Others wake up to an empty house, dress themselves, and run for the bus. 

Do you remember riding the school bus? Kids bounce up and down on the seats as the bus driver struggles to maintain order while keeping her eyes on the road. Happy kids, scared kids, sad kids and bossy kids all ride together. 

All of these children — the well-fed, the hungry, the happy, the scared, the bossy and the bossed, arrive at school and are expected to settle down to learn. Many are so anxious that the tiniest bit of learning cannot squeeze through their stress and into their brains.

Paul Tough, author of Helping Children Succeed: What Works and Why, writes that stressed children often lag significantly behind calmer students. Studies show that students who are given emotional support at home and in school improve academically, socially, and emotionally. They score higher on tests, reduce their aggressive behaviors and increase their self-control.

In these studies, researchers encouraged parents to spend more time with their children, read to them, play with them, sing songs, and relax together. In school, teachers were instructed to set clear routines, to redirect negative behavior (instead of inflicting negative consequences) and to model positive attitudes. A relaxed atmosphere benefits both children and adults. 

When these guidelines were adopted in one inner-city preschool, the students improved in attention, impulse control, and academic skills in vocabulary, letter-naming and math, “despite the fact that the training provided to teachers [and parents] included no academic content at all.” Calmer homes and calmer classrooms led to calmer students who learned more. 

Simple changes in daily routines bring big benefits. Set a regular bedtime and stick to it. Prepare for the next morning the night before. Pick out clothing, put the homework in the book bag, put the coats and shoes by the door. When possible, enjoy simple family meals together. Review the day. Plan for the weekend. Read together before bedtime. Hug a lot. 

Children who are surrounded by adults whose attitudes and behaviors are “warm, stable and nurturing” are better prepared to learn than children who inhabit “chaotic or unstable” environments. In other words, kids who have less stress, learn more. Parents and teachers who create calm and supportive homes and classrooms help children develop the skills needed to navigate in a chaotic world. 

Relax with your children or students. Reduce stress and increase positive attitudes. Give them attention and support. 

Take your time and do it right.

Blame Me

Blame Me

When my daughter was in third grade, her teacher did a graphing activity. The students were asked to chart the times they went to bed. My daughter put her mark at 8:00. That afternoon, she came home crying.

After calming her down, I found out that the other students had all reported bedtimes of nine or later and that they had teased her about her early bedtime. I understood her distress. Kids can be cruel. She begged me to change her bedtime. As a mother, I knew she needed her sleep. She got up very early to catch the bus. 

So I told her what my mother had told me in similar circumstances, “Blame me.”

It’s a simple strategy. When being coerced or teased by your friends or classmates, and you really don’t want to do what they are asking you to do, just say, “My parents will punish me if I do that.” Let your parents be the bad guys so that you can avoid arguments and stay out of trouble. 

Of course, I argued plenty with my own parents about doing the things “everybody” else was doing. My father always asked, “If everyone jumped in the lake, would you do it too?” I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to answer “YES!” but I knew better. No meant no. I am sure he had his reasons for denying my requests, just as I had mine with my children, but I sure didn’t understand them then. 

So I blamed my parents. No, I can’t play behind the old barn. My mother won’t let me stay out late. I’m not allowed to go swimming in the lake. My dad won’t let me watch that show. I have to stay home. I need permission. I have to ask.  My parents will be watching me.

I got out of a lot of sticky situations because of this rule. I didn’t have to hang out with the smokers behind the barn. I didn’t have to jump in the cold lake. I could go home before dark. I didn’t have to go where I didn’t want to go or do what I didn’t want to do. My mother and father were taking the blame and I got the benefits. 

My mother even extended this benefit to others. She told me that when I wanted to say no, there were probably others who also wanted to but were afraid to say so. “They just need a leader.” So when I said no and blamed her, my friends often jumped right in with “My mother would punish me too.”

My daughter learned to use this strategy. In fourth grade, she and a friend went to a birthday party. I dropped them off and left. When I arrived home, the phone rang. She and her friend were coming home. 

When my daughter got home, she told me that the kids had decided to watch an R-rated film. My daughter said, “My mother would ground me if I watched that.” Her friend agreed and they called for their ride. 

I was happy to accept the blame. I was glad to be the bad guy. I was watching and my daughter was safe. 

Bread Bags

Bread Bags

A story on a radio program caught my attention. The speaker was saying that, when she was young, she only had one pair of good shoes, which she wore to school. When it rained or snowed her mother tied bread bags over her shoes and ankles to protect them. When she got on the school bus with her feet in bread bags, she was never embarrassed, because all of the other kids had bread bags on their feet too. 

This story brought back memories of my own days in bread bags. My siblings and I often covered our feet with plastic bags when sledding. All the kids did. When my own children were young, I put bread bags over their socks and inside their shoes when they played in the snow. Even when we had boots, we lined them with bread bags for extra protection.

During WWII, the British government published a series of pamphlets titled: Make Do and Mend. These pamphlets gave suggestions on how to reuse or repair everything from socks to clocks during this time of rationing and shortages. At the end of the first decade of the 21^st century, the government updated these pamphlets to help people make it through the recession.

In my day, “making do” was a part of childhood. When we didn’t have it, we’d make it. We loved inventing things. We’d find old boards or tires and turn them into swings or forts. A stick, a string and a safety pin made a great fishing pole – even if you never actually caught any fish. Discarded boxes became sleds, club houses, spaceships, rowboats, go-carts or terrariums for tiny crawling creatures. We once made a whole Barbie village from boxes and played with it for weeks. We used shoe boxes as molds for snow bricks to build amazing snow forts. When the boxes fell apart, we invented uses for the scraps. 

The best part of making do was that everyone else was doing it too. We were more likely to be impressed by someone’s ingenuity than embarrassed by their lack of some material good. Our pockets were filled with bits of string, lost buttons, and broken rubber bands because we just knew that these would come in handy somehow. We taped up old sneakers and called them hiking shoes. We had patches on the knees of our jeans and the elbows of our jackets. Worn school clothes became play clothes. Strollers, bikes, ice skates and musical instruments got passed from kid to kid and from family to family, sometimes making it around the neighborhood and back just in time for the next child who needed them. 

Maybe “making do” is a practice we need to resurrect. Not only did it fire our inventive juices but it also inspired us to share. Instead of grasping for more, we opened our hands to give, because we knew that when we shared with others, the others would share with us. Making do and sharing gave us “extra protection” against the world. We didn’t need to have everything; we had each other. 

These days, when I get ready to take a walk in the snow, before I slide my feet into my old hiking shoes, I add that extra layer of  bread-bag protection. My feet stay dry and my memories stay warm. 

A Clean Kitchen

A Clean Kitchen

When I was teaching my daughter to cook, I asked her what the first step in any meal-making should be. 

She guessed, “Sauté garlic in some olive oil?” A logical guess in my case since all my recipes start this way. 

“No,” I said, “First, start with a clean kitchen.”

Both my grandmothers gave me this advice. Before beginning any meal preparation, clear the counters, wash any dirty dishes, and sanitize all surfaces. Only then are you ready to gather ingredients and begin.

This is sage advice in more than one way. Before starting any project, it is best to clean up your work space. Clear your desk, plan your project, gather your tools and materials and begin. 

This advice also applies when considering new ideas. Clear your mind of preconceived notions, old prejudices, outdated information and nonsense. Forget what the pundits say! Collect data, analyze it, and draw your own conclusions. Use good judgement – like your grandmothers taught you (If everyone jumped in the lake, would you too?). Think for yourself. 

In today’s world, there are plenty of people trying to tell us what to think. Some say, “Why should I think? I just let (fill in a favorite pundit) tell me what the truth is.”

Shivers run down my spine! Are these folks really ready to put their trust and future in people who are working for ratings or trying to sell books or merely entertaining the masses? Even if they are experts or authorities or “in the know,” shouldn’t we at least investigate counter-arguments and examine different points of view?  

Today there are many hot-button issues. Do you believe in climate change? How do you feel about the refugee question? What about immigrants? Are some religions better than others? How should we rear our children? Are our schools failing or succeeding? Is the old way the best way? Is my way better than yours? 

Decisions should only be made after clearing your mind, considering all available evidence, sifting it through our own good judgment, and making careful choices. Clear the counters, wash the dirty dishes, sanitize all surfaces, and then begin. 

My grandmothers gave me another sage piece of kitchen advice: The kitchen isn’t clean until you wipe off the table and sweep the floor. Clean the kitchen, cook the meal, enjoy it, clear away, and then finish up by leaving the kitchen clean for the next meal. You’ll sleep better knowing that the job was well done. 

Clear you mind, consider new ideas and savor them. Then clear space for new ideas unsullied by scraps left behind as you prepare for the next idea. You’ll sleep better knowing that you’ve done the job well.

A few more words of wisdom: After clearing the kitchen or your mind, share what you’ve learned with your grandchildren. Grandparents and grandchildren work well together – just like garlic and olive oil.  

Context Clues

 

Context Clues

Studies about language acquisition fascinate me. How do children learn to speak? A linguist did a study using his own toddler son. He recorded a year in his child’s life noting when and where his son used new words. After crunching the data, he came to a conclusion which can be summed up in one word: context.

Context is defined as the circumstances that form the setting for an event, statement, or idea to be assessed and understood clearly. The linguist found that his son best understood and used words in settings in which they had meaning for him. For example, he used the word “water” first in the bathroom. The researcher determined that his son had heard this word most frequently in the places where it had meaning – the bathroom and the kitchen.

According to this data, children learn words in the circumstances and settings in which they most need them. They learn food words in the kitchen, rest words in the bedroom and play words in the back yard. The best place to learn something is where you can use it or understand it. The best place to learn about nature is outside. The best place to learn about cooking is in the kitchen. The best way to learn a sport is to play it. 

Children are the most efficient of language learners. One of my friends has two sons, ages 2 and 4, who speak English, Mandarin Chinese, and a Taiwanese dialect. They speak Chinese to their mother, English to their father, and the dialect to their grandmother. They switch effortlessly from one to another. The first time I met them they sized me up, chose the correct language, and jumped right into the conversation.  

Children learn words at an amazing rate. Which words do you want your children to learn? What settings and circumstances are you providing for their language acquisition?  Children thrive when introduced to new experiences, new settings, and new ideas. How are you providing these for your children?

As children grow, they add thousands of words to their repertoire. Many of these will be easy to learn: love, happiness, share, friend, forgiveness. Many will be harder: grief, sorrow, anger, loss, pain. Context for all of these words depends on parents, teachers, and friends.

Reading teachers talk a lot about context clues – the hints an author gives to help readers understand difficult or unknown words. “Sunday was an idyllic day for a picnic, sunny, warm, and relaxed.” We understand the new word because of the words surrounding it. Sunday must have been a great day. 

The “hints” children get from parents and teachers help them understand the world around them. Hints such as kindness, generosity, forgiveness, joy, curiosity and security help children learn not only new words but new attitudes: If Mom and Dad think it’s important, then maybe I should too. Dad loves reading; I will too. Mom loves helping others; I will too. My teacher laughs while she learns: I will too. 

The researcher who recorded his son’s word acquisitions provided him with the setting he needed to learn – a loving and happy home. Provide the context which your children need not only to learn new words but to learn the attitudes, ideas, and qualities you want them to have. 

Home or school will be an idyllic setting for every child when those who love them provide the context they need to grow. 

I Want to Be Ebenezer Scrooge

I Want to Be Ebenezer Scrooge

Marley was dead to begin with. 

So begins Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, and so we are introduced to one of the most famous figures of literature, an icon, the archetype of misers, Ebenezer Scrooge himself. 

Just the mention of the name conjures up visions of the counting house, an old man huddled with his gold-- the gold which warms his heart-- as his hapless clerk sits shivering in the anteroom.  

Scrooge who,"was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge! a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous old sinner! Hard and sharp as flint, from which no steel had ever struck out generous fire; secret, and self-contained, and solitary as an oyster.  

Hardly a role model. But I want to be Ebenezer Scrooge.

No one loved Scrooge and Scrooge loved no one. Scrooge scorns his clerk, Bob Cratchit, and the gentleman who attempt to make provisions for the poor at this time of year -- Christmas.   

Of all the things Scrooge disapproves of, Christmas ranks first. 

'If I could work my will,' said Scrooge indignantly, 'every idiot who goes about with "Merry Christmas" on  his lips should be boiled with his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.'

Scrooge's nephew Fred, Scrooge’s only family, argues, 

  ' ... I have always thought of Christmastime when it comes round… as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave,…. And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good and will do me good; and, I say, God bless it'

Fred has his uncle pegged. His heart is shut-up, he values gold and silver above goodness, kindness, charity and forgiveness. He considers those who make merry as crazy, and later, dismisses a plea for charity, saying that those who need it should die… and decrease the surplus population.'

Scrooge goes home on this foggy, frosty Christmas Eve and is met by the ghost of Marley who has come to warn him that if he does not change his ways, he will be fettered with a chain long and ponderous, forged link by link and yard by yard by the selfish irons of Scrooge's life. 

Why, Scrooge wonders, has Marley returned to trouble him?

'It is required of every man,' the Ghost returned, 'that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and travel far and wide; and, if that spirit goes not forth in life, it is condemned to wander through the world.. and witness what it cannot share, but might have shared on earth, and turned to happiness.'

Scrooge begs for comfort, but Marley offers him none: 'I have none to give ... it comes from other regions, Ebenezer Scrooge, and is conveyed by other ministers to other kinds of men."  

So Scrooge must meet his three ghosts, his past, his present, and, if he does not change, what will be his future.  

The most frightening of the spirits, The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come shows Scrooge a world that has decided he was surplus. No one is willing to attend the old sinner's funeral except one, who will only go if a lunch is provided. His belongings are stolen and sold. No one misses him. No one mourns him.  Everyone judges him lost-- and good riddance.

Scrooge begs the Ghost to offer him hope, but the Ghost points unflinchingly to the grave, Ebenezer's own grave, untended, forgotten, alone. Scrooge has come to an ignominious end. But at this very ending, Scrooge refuses to accept his fate. He cries out:

'I am not the man I was. I will not be the man I must have been but for this intercourse. .... Good spirit... your nature intercedes for me, and pities me. Assure me that I yet may change these shadows you have shown me by an altered life?'

Yes, I want to be Ebenezer Scrooge.  

At the end of his resources, this bitter, wretched old man begs for forgiveness, repents and is redeemed. He promises to change, to honor Christmas in [his] heart and try to keep it all the year. 

Scrooge awakens and praises heaven and Christmas for this second chance. He sobs, laughs, and dances about his no longer gloomy rooms. He is changed!  

He sends a turkey to the Cratchits, gleeful at the prospect of the surprise he will give them. He promises the charitable gentleman a gift to make up for the years he had forgotten the poor. He goes to church, watches people, pats children on the head, and finds everything delightful. He humbles himself before Fred who welcomes him as one lost, but now found. And he promises Bob Cratchit that he will endeavor to assist [his] struggling family.  

Why do I want to be Ebenezer Scrooge? Am I a miser? Do I hoard my gold? Do I disdain mankind? I am ashamed to say I do. I am miserly with the gifts I have, forgetting that I have been given them to spend freely on my fellow man. I forget to share with others. I am as bad as Ebenezer ever was.

  

But I want to be like Scrooge, for Scrooge was better than his word. 

... He became as good a friend, as good a master and as good a man, as he had been intended to be. Some people laughed at the change in him, but he was wise enough to know, that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter in the outset; ... His own heart laughed, and that was quite enough for him.

   

Ebenezer's heart was filled with the joy of Christmas. And that is why I want to be Ebenezer Scrooge.  

I want to be filled with joy. I want my heart to laugh. I want to walk among mankind and know, that it is my business to love them.

May that truly be said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God bless Us, Every One!

(All quotes from A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens 1843)

Incredibly Wealthy

Incredibly Wealthy

When I was a teenager, my father and I had an argumentative relationship. It seemed to me that whatever I said, he took the opposite side. We had some epic arguments. One that especially sticks in my mind is the question of our family’s economic condition.

I maintained that since I couldn’t have everything I wanted we were poor. My father countered that we were NOT poor; we were incredibly wealthy. You can imagine my astonishment. What was he talking about? 

I looked around my crowded house. All three sisters shared one bedroom while my three brothers shared the room next door. My father’s father, my mother’s mother, and the six of us shared one bathroom. My closet was pretty empty. My friends wore the latest fashions and rode three-speed bikes. I wore a school uniform (which I hated) and still rode my “little kid” bike.

We didn’t go on vacations or eat in restaurants. Sure, we visited family and were fed until we burst, but how could homemade pasta fagioli compare with a Big Mac or trips to Disneyland? We didn’t snack because there weren’t any in our pantry. We had dessert on Sundays only — a half-gallon of Neapolitan ice cream which disappeared in a swirl of vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry in seconds. 

Our clothes and furniture were hand-me-downs. We watched the picture on one TV set but heard the sound from another picture-less one perched on top. My father hand-built our stereo and we all crammed into our old station wagon whenever we traveled.

Where did my father see wealth in this picture? 

After I stormed about a bit, I confronted my father again. Where was this wealth and how was I missing out on it?

 He told me. I didn’t believe him then, but I understand now.

He said, “You have your health.” 

My father suffered from ill health most of his life. As a child, he had severe asthma. He spent his early years trying to breathe. As a young man, he lost a leg to cancer. He survived because he had to — he was a husband and father to five young children. Now we were six, all healthy, and he fathered like any other, teaching us to ride our bikes, coaching Little League, and flying kites while on his crutches with his inhaler in his pocket. 

He said, “You have your family.” 

My mother cared for her husband, six children, her mother, and her father-in-law without complaint. She worked in and outside of the home yet still bagged every lunch and cooked every dinner. My siblings, as annoying as I thought they could be, were (and still are) my closest friends. Our huge Italian family loved us with a passion. I had more cousins than I could count.

He said, “You have your faith.” 

We attended church as a family every Sunday. The gifts under our Christmas tree may have numbered fewer than our friends had, but the reason we celebrated was engraved in our hearts. 

He said, “You have laughter and joy.” 

We had Nonna’s “practical jokes” — putting our shoes away where we would never find them (our closets) and mixing up our dozens of socks. We had Grandpa’s symphony of whistles. We giggled our way through dinners and family car trips. We sang — oh, how we sang! 

He said, “You have love.” 

Never in my life did I not feel loved. My father argued with me, but I knew he loved me. My busy mother loved me. My annoying siblings loved me. My grandparents loved me. My innumerable aunts, uncles, and cousins loved me. And I loved them.

Incredible wealth: family, faith, health, joy, laughter, love.  My father was right. We were incredibly wealthy. 

I hope you and your family are too.