Blame Me

Blame Me

When my daughter was in third grade, her teacher did a graphing activity. The students were asked to chart the times they went to bed. My daughter put her mark at 8:00. That afternoon, she came home crying.

After calming her down, I found out that the other students had all reported bedtimes of nine or later and that they had teased her about her early bedtime. I understood her distress. Kids can be cruel. She begged me to change her bedtime. As a mother, I knew she needed her sleep. She got up very early to catch the bus. 

So I told her what my mother had told me in similar circumstances, “Blame me.”

It’s a simple strategy. When being coerced or teased by your friends or classmates, and you really don’t want to do what they are asking you to do, just say, “My parents will punish me if I do that.” Let your parents be the bad guys so that you can avoid arguments and stay out of trouble. 

Of course, I argued plenty with my own parents about doing the things “everybody” else was doing. My father always asked, “If everyone jumped in the lake, would you do it too?” I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to answer “YES!” but I knew better. No meant no. I am sure he had his reasons for denying my requests, just as I had mine with my children, but I sure didn’t understand them then. 

So I blamed my parents. No, I can’t play behind the old barn. My mother won’t let me stay out late. I’m not allowed to go swimming in the lake. My dad won’t let me watch that show. I have to stay home. I need permission. I have to ask.  My parents will be watching me.

I got out of a lot of sticky situations because of this rule. I didn’t have to hang out with the smokers behind the barn. I didn’t have to jump in the cold lake. I could go home before dark. I didn’t have to go where I didn’t want to go or do what I didn’t want to do. My mother and father were taking the blame and I got the benefits. 

My mother even extended this benefit to others. She told me that when I wanted to say no, there were probably others who also wanted to but were afraid to say so. “They just need a leader.” So when I said no and blamed her, my friends often jumped right in with “My mother would punish me too.”

My daughter learned to use this strategy. In fourth grade, she and a friend went to a birthday party. I dropped them off and left. When I arrived home, the phone rang. She and her friend were coming home. 

When my daughter got home, she told me that the kids had decided to watch an R-rated film. My daughter said, “My mother would ground me if I watched that.” Her friend agreed and they called for their ride. 

I was happy to accept the blame. I was glad to be the bad guy. I was watching and my daughter was safe.