The Conversation

We were in reading group.  We had been writing letters to our partner school in Namibia, Africa. We had looked at maps and photos of the learners there and were now writing thank you notes for some gifts they had sent us. One of my students had actually been to South Africa, the country directly south of Namibia, and he and some of the others were discussing the pictures of our African friends. I was editing another student’s letter when I overheard the following: 

They wear uniforms in their school.

Yeah, and they don’t wear shoes.

 Their skin is really dark. Are they black? 

Some people in South Africa call them colored.

Do they like that? 

 I don’t know. But if it were me, I think I’d like to be called by my name.

There’s an old song from the musical “South Pacific” called “You Have to Be Carefully Taught.” The song states that parents teach children to be prejudiced. Hour after hour, day after day, children are taught to judge others by the color of their skin, their disabilities, their nationalities, and the language they speak, not by the content of their characters, as Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. dreamed.    

My students, as children often do, had struck right to the heart of the matter. All people have the right to be recognized for their individual humanness. People don’t want to be labeled; they want to be called by name. Isn’t it wonderful to hear someone call your name in love?

This conversation impressed me. My students are only seven and eight years old. They don’t have much life experience. A trip to Africa is a rarity for young children. Somehow, thanks to their parents’ teaching, they realized a great truth; calling people by name not only honors them but also communicates the respect we must have for each other if we are to get along in this diverse but wonderful world.

Our partner school in Namibia has over seven hundred students and, although the official language is English, most people still speak their village language. We don’t know which of these many learners will be able to read our letters. We don’t know their names. 

But my students do know one very important thing. When I asked them how we should address our letters, every one of them confidently called out, Dear Friend.

Now I Understand

Now I Understand

Our son, a chemical engineer, dedicated his doctoral thesis to “My parents who won’t understand a word of it.” His father objected, “I understood several, a, and, the…” 

New readers must master many skills: identifying sounds, connecting sounds to symbols, building vocabulary, and comprehending text. Comprehension involves accessing previous knowledge, understanding vocabulary and concepts, making inferences, and linking key ideas. Here are a few tips for parents who want to help their children increase reading comprehension.

1. Preview: Before reading a new book discuss the title and pictures. Previewing suggests vocabulary and the storyline which might be expected. “This story is called The Three Bears. What do you think it is about? Let’s look at the pictures for some clues. What kind of house is that? What foods do bears eat?”

2.  Predict: Look into your crystal ball. Before reading, help your child predict what might happen in the story. Use the title and pictures. When reading, stop to review what has happened, ask clarifying questions, verify previous predictions, and make new ones. “What will happen when the bears leave the door open?”

3. Compare: “How are the three bears different from/similar to other bears? Define fiction and nonfiction. Does this story remind you of any other stories — real or fictional?

4.  Review: Discuss story points during and after reading. “How did Goldie get into the house? What does she do inside?” After reading, ask your child for opinions, suggestions for other endings, likes, and dislikes. “What else might have happened when the bears found Goldie? Which part of the story did you like best? What made you happy (worried, angry, etc.)?”

5. Connect: Connect the story characters or events to your child’s life or other stories. “Do you remember when we left the garage door open all night? What did we find the next morning? A skunk! What else could happen when you leave a door unlocked? Do you know any other stories about someone going where they shouldn’t?”

6. Map. Ask questions about the characters, setting, plot, problems, and solutions in the story. “Where did the three bears live? What was it like there? Who was in this story? How would you describe Goldie(the bears)? What happened before Goldie came by? How did Goldie get into the house? What did Goldie do before the bears returned? What happened when they did? How do you think Goldie (or the bears) felt? How would you feel? What do you think Goldie (or the bears) learned? What else could have happened at the end of the story? Don’t overanalyze. Keep it fun. 

5.  Model: Good readers don’t fall far from the library. Parents who model the purposes and joys of reading have children who are more likely to read. Flaunt your library card! “If Mom and Dad enjoy reading so much, I want to do it too!” 

Make reading a BIG part of your lives. Share books and reading time. Help your child succeed at reading by making it a family affair. 

(This is the sixth in a series about reading success.)

Living in a VUCA World

Living in a VUCA World

In 1985, Madonna had a huge hit singing about a “material girl” living in a “material world.” Children today face a different challenge, living in a VUCA world — a world that is Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, and Ambiguous. A military term used to describe the unsettled world after the terrorist attacks in 2001, VUCA describes the chaotic times following a disrupting event, such as the recent pandemic and social unrest, in which anxiety rises to unprecedented and unrelenting heights. 

Anxiety, once intermittent, is now constant. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services “Anxiety is now the number-one mental health disorder for both adults and children.” Parents, caught in the unrelenting news cycle and job tensions, pass anxieties along to their children. Pressured by the unreasonable expectations of society, parents demand high academic, athletic, musical, artistic, and social achievement from their children. Children give up their individual interests to meet parent expectations. Social media applauds winners and ridicules “losers” while removing students from genuine human interactions and friendships. Children, once innocent of the world’s pressures, sink under the weight of them.

In her book, Ready or Not: Preparing Kids to Thrive in an Uncertain and Rapidly Changing World, educational consultant Madeline Levine writes that children living in a VUCA world can feel powerless, unintelligent, and worthless leading them to feelings of “demoralization and victimization.” Luckily, parents can help children develop the skills necessary for thriving in an uncertain world.

The first step is to examine your coping skills. How do you deal with anxiety? Do you fall apart, blame others, predict gloom and doom? Or do you look at troubles as opportunities, times to invent creative solutions, and to find light in the darkness? Do you see yourself as part of the problem or as part of the solution? Do you complain or make plans? Levine writes that the “well-being of parents has a critical and continuing impact on our children’s well-being.” In other words, parents are models for their children. Parents who cope well will have children who cope well.

After developing their skills, parents can teach their children the skills necessary to thrive in today’s world. Levine suggests cultivating emotional intelligence, “the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one’s own emotions and the emotions of others,” self-regulation, “the internal guidance system that allows us to direct our own behavior and control our impulses,” and engagement, an “optimism and enthusiasm about learning.” Knowing that they can take a deep breath, take time to think, do a little research, make a plan, and believe that they will succeed when stresses come, give children a sense of power over circumstances. They learn to act, not react, in situations of stress. 

Parents must make their homes safe places — places where children can be themselves, explore their own interests, feel that they are an important and contributing member of the family, and absolutely believe that they are loved absolutely. A parent’s love conquers a VUCA world when it is constant, unwavering, honest, and sure. So, instead of “anxious children” living in an “anxious world,” your children can rest securely in their parent’s love. 

Stay calm, and parent on. 

(All quotations are from Ready or Not: Preparing Kids to Thrive in an Uncertain and Rapidly Changing World, by Madeline Levine. I highly recommend it!)

Patchogue Mornings

Patchogue Mornings

Capacity 12

52 on Weekends

Once in a while, when walking through the yard on a cool summer morning, I get a whiff of paradise. A cool breeze, the scent of fresh basil, or the call of a mourning dove, and I am there.

In the early days of the last century, my great-grandparents bought a summer bungalow on a dead-end street a block and a half from the Great South Bay in Long Island. The family took the train from Brooklyn then hired a horse and wagon to travel the last few miles. A sign hung over the front door — Capacity 12 — 52 on weekends. I  imagine their excitement as they came in sight of the bay — the same excitement I felt whenever we did the same.

It was a small house with just a dining room, kitchen, and two small bedrooms downstairs but the glories of the house included a screened front porch and an open attic accessed by a steep staircase. I imagine my great-uncles and aunts arguing about who would get to sleep in the attic just like we did. 

Huge trees hugged the attic’s windows and every breeze blew a scent of the bay into our dreams. Arising early, we trooped downstairs in our pajamas and out onto the airy porch. Six houses snuggled close on our block. We called to our friends on their porches, “What are we doing today? Are we going fishing? What time are we heading to the beach?” Always “we,” never “you” or “I.” We were one family.

After breakfast, we wiggled into our bathing suits and tumbled down the back steps into our shared backyard. A dozen children, many of them cousins, might be waiting for us. We mixed and matched age groups as we grabbed our fishing poles and headed for the pier. We chattered as we set our lines, “Remember when the snappers were running? Remember the eel in the crab cage? Uncle Joe ate it!” 

Afternoons, the whole neighborhood headed to the beach. The older kids jumped right into the bay. Toddlers splashed in a wading pool filled with salt water pumped from the bay. Some days, we loaded up the station wagons and drove to the ocean beach. Hauling lunches, playpens, and blankets, we struggled over the dunes onto the beach. While the adults played cards or gabbed and watched the little kids play in the sand, we leaped over the ocean waves — always accompanied by a parent or aunt or uncle to keep us safe.

Later, as we showered under a backyard hose, the Nonnas cooked dinner fresh from the garden flanking the backyard. We ate under the grape arbor at a table that sat 12, or 15, or as many as wanted to join us. After dinner, the Nonnos played a card game fueled by rivalries going back to Italy. “Due!” they’d shout as they slapped down a card followed by raucous laughter. After dark, our friends and families, young and old, gathered around a fire — a circle of light and family.

Four generations enjoyed that bungalow before it was taken from us by a not-so-friendly fire. Our memories and friendships survive. The generations live on. Paradise lives inside us ready to awaken any summer morning. 

A Network of Mutuality

A Network of Mutuality

At the beginning of every school year, my students gathered to talk about classroom rules. After reviewing the usual list, we’d add one more: In our classroom, we support one another. My second-graders had a lot of ideas about what this meant: We help one another with math. We share our crayons. We pick up someone who falls. We invite our classmates to play.

Building a sense of community is a vital educational strategy. Classmates work together for the benefit of all. When one succeeds, we all succeed. When one fails, we help pick up the pieces. We walk together and leave no one behind. We weave a network of mutual respect and care that we carry forward into our lives.

Sometimes we forget that our fate is connected to the fate of others. What affects one, affects all. Martin Luther King, in a speech in 1968 at the National Cathedral the week before he was assassinated said, “We are tied together in the single garment of destiny, caught in an inescapable network of mutuality. And whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. For some strange reason, I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. And you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the way God’s universe is made; this is the way it is structured.”

Our sense of mutuality gets lost when we take sides against one another. In our nation today, we have split into camps — each claiming the right to victory and demanding the defeat of the other. We forget that we are bound together by our mutual rights, as our founding fathers stated, to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. We forget that our nation endures because we have mutual goals. When we stop supporting one another, we will all fall.

On the night Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated, Robert F. Kennedy, who was campaigning for the presidency, stood before a crowd of his supporters to deliver the terrible news. Kennedy then called for unity: “What we need in the United States is not division; what we need in the United States is not violence and lawlessness; but is love and wisdom and compassion toward one another, and a feeling of justice toward those who still suffer within our country, whether they be white or whether they be black.” 

Our fates are tied together. No one will truly succeed unless all succeed. Love, compassion, and wisdom will bring justice. In a network of mutuality, it is not my justice but our justice. For our nation to endure, we must support one another. Only then will we have justice for all.

Our “garment of destiny” must not be shredded by divisions among us. Our mutuality is “inescapable.” To achieve justice for all we must support our neighbors — new or old. When we employ love, wisdom, and compassion no one will be left behind. 

(Quotations from The Soul of America: The Battles for Our Better Angels by Jon Meacham, Random House 2018)

The White Glove Test

The White Glove Test

By Lisa Marie Crane

August 23, 2011

My cousin Nanny tells a great story. Nanny was a new mother with a sweet baby girl. Our Aunt Anna was coming to call. Aunt Anna is a kind, loving lady but she had a reputation for having a perfectly clean and neat house despite having three children. Nanny cleaned her house from top to bottom, ready for the ‘white glove test’ she was sure was coming.  

In the middle of the night before the visit, Nanny got up to make a bottle for the baby. Long before the days of microwaves, this involved putting water in a pan on the stove, then setting the bottle of milk in the hot water to warm. Sleep-deprived from caring for an infant and exhausted from a day of scrubbing, Nanny fell asleep while the bottle was warming — forgetting to turn off the burner. 

Whoosh! The bottle exploded. Milk covered walls, floor, and ceiling. Nanny spent the rest of the night re-scrubbing the kitchen.  

I always laughed at that story because I understood both sides. I, like Aunt Anna, like things neat and clean. Like Nanny, I worried about what others would think if everything wasn’t spic and span. Then I read Erma Bombeck.

She wrote: “No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.” And “My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?”  

Erma got it right. You can kill yourself cleaning and no one will ever notice. 

Aunt Anna, God love her, never even looked at that house. She only had eyes for baby Joellen.  Who wears ‘white gloves’ when holding a cooing infant?  

When I visit my friends with little ones, I don’t see the fingerprints on the fridge or the towels on the floor. I look around and see the artwork displayed and the photos adorning every wall and surface. I find comfortable chairs and crowded kitchen tables. I see full calendars and much-loved pets. 

Just like Aunt Anna, I focus on the happy kids and the loving parents

It turns out that Erma was a fabulous housekeeper too. But as she neared the end of her life she wrote:  “If I had my life to live over… I would have invited friends over to dinner even when the carpet was stained and the sofa was faded…  I would have eaten popcorn in the ‘good’ living room and worried less about the dirt when someone wanted to light the fireplace…. I would seize every minute, look at it and really see it … live it and never give it back.”  

One of the best parties we ever had was one New Year’s Eve when my daughter neglected to tell us that she had invited her friend’s family over. I had nothing prepared. The house was a mess and we had a ball. 

Aunt Anna, well into her nineties, is still fastidious, but the only thing we see when we walk in her door is her wide smile and her welcoming arms.  

(Addendum: I often visited Aunt Anna with my family and she was always thrilled to see us. She taught us what it meant to love freely and fully. May she rest in heaven – which may spruce itself up a bit now that she is there. Cousin Nanny is with her — raising the roof with her wonderful laugh. May they, and all the mothers we miss, remain close in our hearts.)

Words in the Bank

Words in the Bank

When visiting my family in Italy, I met my two-year-old cousin Bernadetta. She spoke only Italian and I spoke only English. One morning, she asked me, “Dov'è la nonna?” I knew the word Nonna and since Bernadetta was looking around, I figured out that she was looking for her grandmother. I knew where Nonna was — but I had no words to tell Bernadetta. As I looked at her helplessly, I bet she was thinking, “What is wrong with this grown-up who can’t talk?” My Italian word-bank was empty.

Before children can learn to read they must fill their word-banks. New readers must be able to connect sounds and symbols to words they know. Children with larger oral vocabularies have an easier time learning to read. Oral vocabulary is defined as the words students understand from listening and speaking to others. How can parents help children fill their word banks? Talk, listen, and read.

1. Use “big” words. Introduce new and interesting words in everyday conversations. Speak in complete sentences and use context to help your child understand meaning. “The rabbit scampered quickly into his den just ahead of the hawk.” The context suggests the meaning of the new word “scampered.” That rabbit was moving! 

2. Be expressive. Facial expressions, hand gestures, and vocal cues convey meaning. “The bully snickered at his cowering victim.” Snicker and cower. Show the meaning with your voice, expressions, and actions.

3. Sing! “Hakuna Matata” from The Lion King, a song about the meaning of a word, is full of new words: philosophy, aroma, sensitive, downwind, ashamed, downhearted, etc. Stars twinkle, spiders climb water-spouts, and we row merrily. Poems are a great resource. Check out the many rhyming books offered in your library. 

4. Ask questions. Ask your child to explain something he is excited about. “How did you construct your fort?” Encourage our child to ask you questions. 

5. Make new friends. Introduce your child to people from many walks of life. “Tammy works in aeronautics. Tom is a botanist” When appropriate, include them in your adult conversations. Research community workers online to find words related to their work.

6. Enjoy new experiences together. Go camping. See a play. Visit a museum. Add words as you enjoy each others’ company. Research new information together.

7. Highlight new words when you use them. Keep a list of words that interest you and your children. “That Lucy is such a fussbudget. She flabbergasts Schroeder.”

8. Map Words. When you learn a new word, connect it to others your child knows. Expand the map as you make connections. “Clams are bivalves. I wonder if bivalve is connected to bicycles? Let’s find out.” 

9. Make friends with your librarian. Librarians will suggest great books for any interest.

10. READ, READ, READ! Books with illustrations are great resources for filling word-banks. Reading with your children adds interest and builds vocabulary.

Fill your child’s word-bank through conversations, experiences, and shared reading. Deposit words that your child can withdraw when learning to read. 

(This is the fifth in a series about reading success.)