Our Best Neighbor

Our Best Neighbor 

When our daughter was young, there were very few people outside of the family we trusted with her care. But there was one person I felt comfortable leaving her with for an hour every day; a person I knew would treat her as the very special person she was, who would introduce her to the wonder of the world, who would teach her to care, cooperate and share. He was so kind and gentle that I often joined her for one of his visits. We sat right down in our family room, turned on the TV, and welcomed Mr. Rogers into our home.  He was a good neighbor.

On February 27, 2003, Mr. Rogers left us behind as he went to a new neighborhood. But the things he taught us remain. 

While a youngster, his grandfather McFeely told him, “Freddy, you know you made this day a really special day just by being yourself.  There’s only one person in the world like you, and I like you just the way you are.” Fred never forgot that lesson. He grew up and attended Rollins College in Florida, studying music. Returning to Pittsburgh intending to enter seminary, he took notice of a new phenomenon -- television.  He was appalled by what he saw, pies in the face and put-down humor, and right then and there felt a new calling -- from a ministry in the church to a ministry to children in television.  

The programs he created will continue. His neighborhood is a safe haven for all children. From the minute Mr. Rogers steps singing through his front door, hangs up his coat and puts on his sweater (sweaters made by his mother, one of which is hanging in the Smithsonian Institute), and changes into his sneakers, a world of magic -- a kind and gentle magic -- is opened to every viewer.    

Children learn to wonder about the world, to want to find out about how things are made. They learn that fish need feeding and adults care about the things that cause children to fear or ask questions.  Children ride the trolley into the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, where a cast of puppets, each with its own distinct personality, work through some of the same problems they have. Prince Tuesday worried that his mother, Sarah Saturday, and his father, King Friday XIII would divorce. Henrietta Pussycat and Anna Platypus think about friendship and school.

 

Music fills Mr. Rogers's world.  It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, What Do You Do?, There Are Many Ways to Say I Love You,  Sometimes People Are Good and It’s Such a Good Feeling are just some of the many songs Fred uses to teach children about the world.  In Make-Believe the neighbors often put on operas. Everyone gets to choose who or what part to play, even if it doesn’t fit exactly into the opera story.  X the Owl always wants to play Benjamin Franklin -- and he always does.  

Fred Rogers received many awards. Each time, he asked the audience to “take along with me ten seconds to think of the people who have helped you become who you are, those who have cared about you and wanted the best for you in life.” He wanted us not only to remember those people but also to become those people. 

Fred’s favorite saying hangs in his home office. It comes from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exbury: “What is essential is invisible to the eye.” Two generations of children learned that lesson from Fred. Now it’s our turn to teach children the lessons he taught us: that we are all special, that it is more important to get along than to win, that it is all right to get mad or sad, that it is good to be filled with wonder, to be gentle, to sing, to be yourself

Mr. Rogers remained a special friend in our house even after the children were grown. Over the years, our daughter wrote to him sharing her concerns and asking for his advice. I wrote to him too, about the family and my students. He always answered, personally, inquiring after our family and offering encouragement to my students and me. Fred was our personal friend. I like to think that Fred was a personal friend to everyone.  

 

Our daughter never forgot the lessons Fred taught her. She is gentle, remembers to stop and wonder, loves to make music, looks for the best in people and knows that she, and every other person in the world, is special. With his encouragement, she joined the Peace Corps and served as a teacher in Africa. She taught her students what Fred taught her. She’s teaching her own children now. Every day, it’s a beautiful day in a new neighborhood because of Fred and those who loved him.

Attention-grabbers

Attention-grabbers

We’ve all been there — sitting in a meeting while a speaker drones on. The rumble of stomachs blocks brain function. Ears close, wrists flick up phones, and feet tap. Thoughts wander to the table, pull up a chair, and pick up a fork. Mouths water and noses twitch. The tick of the clock acts like Pavlov’s bell. Heaven help the speaker who goes over into the lunch hour. Out of the way! Lunch, here I come. 

Hunger grabs our attention. Many children come to school dragging attention-grabbers — hunger, fear, depression, trauma, insecurity, abuse, or neglect. Children who come to school hungry, fearful, or traumatized cannot focus on learning. How can math and reading penetrate little minds when stomachs growl or danger hovers?

Schools, expected to break through these barriers to learning, often lack adequate support. Taxpayers grumble when taxes are raised. Politicians decrease education funding. Administrators demand higher test scores. Teachers work harder. Children struggle to learn but attention-grabbers are hard to ignore.

Every adult who has felt hunger or been through a crisis knows how hard it is to take in information, make good decisions, or behave rationally when stressed. Yet we expect children to work past their needs. Many people oppose school meal programs. Many oppose food-security programs. Funding for school nurses and guidance counselors is cut. Teachers are expected to do more with less. Parents are expected to provide school supplies, and, when they cannot, children go without or teachers step in to supply them from their own resources.  

A society that wants productive citizens makes meeting the needs of children a top priority. Parents and schools need support so that they can support the needs of children. We have all heard that it takes a village to raise a child — it also takes adequate food, clothing, emotional and psychological support, and funding for schools, healthcare, and safe neighborhoods. 

When we are hungry it is hard to focus on the hunger of others. But when it is children who are hungry or frightened or depressed, we must care for them first. Find out how schools are using tax funds. Get involved. Find out what children need and help — by electing legislators who support schools, food programs, and neighborhood centers, by volunteering at schools and youth centers, and by supporting legislation for affordable health care. When children cannot learn because of attention-grabbers it is our job to clear the way. 

Many consider these solutions radical, but is it radical to want children to grow up strong, happy, and safe? John Adams wrote that  “The preservation of liberty depends upon the intellectual and moral character of the people.” Children, our nation’s future, will preserve our liberty and build moral character only when their needs are met. Let us focus our attention on fulfilling the needs of all children so that they can focus their attention on learning and growing.  

Your Brain's Psychiatry Booth

Your Brain’s Psychiatry Booth 

In the holiday classic "A Charlie Brown Christmas,” Charlie Brown seeks help at Lucy’s “Psychiatric Help 5¢” booth. Lucy asks him some questions: “Are you afraid of responsibility? If you are, then you have hypengyophobia. How about cats? If you're afraid of cats, you have ailurophasia.” Finally, Lucy asks: 

Lucy: Do you think you have pantophobia?

Charlie Brown: What's pantophobia?

Lucy: The fear of everything!

Charlie Brown: THAT’S IT!

Lucy: Five cents, please. 

We sympathize with poor Charlie Brown. Sometimes the world is just too frightening. Phobias can be debilitating but more insidious is bias. Bias is woven into our very being and often we are unaware of it.

Ben Yagoda, in his article “Your Lying Mind,” writes that Wikipedia lists 185 definitions for cognitive (related to thinking, reasoning or remembering) biases which Yagoda defines, as a “collection of faulty ways of thinking that is apparently hardwired into the human brain.” Bias is most often associated with racial, cultural, or political positions. Cognitive biases are less overt but can be just as damaging.

Cognitive biases are varied. Yagoda selects six most damaging biases: Confirmation bias, the tendency to favor people whose opinions match yours; Fundamental attribution error, the tendency to believe that people’s actions reflect who they are; the bias blind spot, believing that while others have biases, you are exempt; the anchoring effect, heavily relying on the first piece of information encountered; the representative heuristic, a shortcut used to make judgements based on personal examples; and projection bias, the belief that your tastes or preferences will remain the same over time.

In politics, these biases are evident. A politician favors news outlets that reflect her views (confirmation bias), labels people who disagree with her as corrupt (fundamental attribution error), favors information which supports her platform (anchoring effect), states that all other politicians are biased (bias blind spot), uses personal examples to support her position (the representative heuristic) and believes that current conditions are static and unchanging (projection bias). 

These biases affect our everyday lives. At school, we sit with friends who share our likes and prejudices, shun those who are different, and believe that our friends like the same things we do. At work, we judge co-workers by their looks,  gender, or academic degrees. We judge others based on first impressions not bothering to find out more. 

Each mind develops short-cuts for making judgments and predictions. Innate biases influence how we make decisions and view other people. Becoming aware of these hidden biases may change how we perceive and interact with the world. 

Before making a judgment, agreeing with an opinion, labeling another, or congratulating yourself, reflect on how your mind’s short-cuts affect what you believe. Do some research. Diagnose your own inner biases. Repair the errors of a biased brain. Save 5 cents. 

(Check out “Your Lying Brain: The Cognitive Biases Tricking Your Mind,” by Ben Yagoda in The Atlantic, Sept. 2018)